IN UNEXPECTED WAYS

It’s taken me a long time to sit down and let my fingers fly across the keys on my laptop. I found that I couldn’t. This is commonly called writer’s block, which it is in a sense. However, for me the meaning was much more personal.

There are times in all of our lives where we get blindsided by life in a way we could never have seen coming. If you’re anything like me, the trauma of such incidents can affect us far deeper than we realize at the time. I am one of these people.

I’m going to share a piece of my story with you, not for any other purpose than to, hopefully, inspire someone out there to hold onto your hope.

To say my life has been tumultuous would be a huge understatement. I’ll say it like this: I feel like Job, and I’m beyond serious.

In 2005, I moved to Lake Worth, Florida, a suburb of West Palm Beach. I loved it there. I loved where I lived, I had wonderful neighbors, and I was genuinely happy, for the most part. I was free in many ways. I was living a nice life in a climate that I wish I still lived in. (Really, I love South Florida) I made good money, my credit was getting better and better, I traveled, a lot, and I became co-owner of a really cool fixer-upper in Winfield, Alabama. Both were gorgeous areas and our home in Alabama was turning out wonderful as we remodeled.

In June, 2008, I was the passenger in a rollover accident in a borrowed truck. The next year was a strenuous exercise of patience, and agony. I went through a battery of “corrective” procedures, that didn’t work, ultimately requiring a cervical disc replacement. As expected, recovery was going to take some time. I had returned to Indiana to see my local doctor since my entire medical history was in Indiana. I ended up staying a month for therapy.

When I left for Florida, I drove to Alabama first and prepared to team drive the rest of the way to Lake Worth. It was unusually quiet on the drive, but I really thought nothing of it at the time. When we arrived at home, I was given news that actually sucked the breath out of me causing me to run for the door so I could breathe. Caught up by the scene of a personal nightmare, I moved back to Indiana without looking back.

Shortly after my return, I purchased my childhood home. I did some repairs to the place but soon realized I simply couldn’t fix the house like it needed and made the tough decision to sell it. The house sold in less than a month and I found another house shortly after that.

It’s been a year and a half since I sat on my front porch and read the nell blow letter that caused me to throw in the towel. I looked around my neighborhood, blindly staring at the pine trees gently swaying across the street. I was numb. I knew in that moment that I didn’t care that I was walking away from everything I had ever worked for. I gave away anything I could, kept only what I needed, and walked away. That day on the porch, I closed my eyes, imagined myself on that proverbial cliff we have all heard about and I leaped. My thoughts: God, I give! If you’re there, catch me. He did.

Stepping back a minute, I need to give a generalized understanding of what caused this mentality. I had returned to college in Spring, 2015. I was doing well. However, I had no clue what was about to come at me nor the impending impact.

It hurts when we are mentally crushed by those we hold closest to our heart's. I can personally and most definitely attest that it is true. This was the incomprehensible beginning of my Job experience. Unimaginable heartache, financial ruin, explosive verbal attacks, accusations that were so misguided and judgemental that I was shocked beyond belief. In my few years away from Indiana, I thought life was going rather well for my family. I was mistaken.

One would expect this to be more than enough for anyone to handle. However, it’s not the end of the story. During this time period, I had to walk away from a large number of people I once called close personal friends. Further, I relocated to a place I haphazardly trusted to be a safe place, and a place to call home. Again, I was wrong.

Almost a year to the day later, in late June of this year, my life took another drastic modification that I couldn’t have foreseen. Adding insult to injury, my car engine had blown only a couple of months prior to this event. Suddenly, I found myself in an area of the state where I had limited acquaintances and no close friends nearby. I couldn’t imagine being able to help anyone else, in any sense of the word, when I had no idea what was happening in my own life.

There is one person who has been by my side, through thick and thin, after the tumultuous beginning of our relationship. Through the mountains and valleys, we have weathered storms I didn’t even realize could happen. He’s been a sensational support, as I try to be for him. Yet, there is more to this story.

I cannot, and will not, say that I’m out of this valley. However, I want you to understand how I’ve made it this far. That morning on my front porch in 2017 when I mentally took the leap off that cliff, my focus was solely on God’s presence, and full of questions. Are you here? Do you see any of this? Do you have any idea how much I’m hurt? Do you even care? If you really are here, and I know you are, catch me! And I jumped. What I found amazing was how I didn’t feel even the slightest jolt when I stepped off the cliff edge. It was like landing in the palm of the hand of God, comforted by Jesus and his angels. Peace, in the midst of this was beyond comprehension. I had never experienced this much anguish in my entire life prior to that moment. And yet, God was right there all along, and I had just discovered a new depth of His peace.

I have learned a few more things through all of this. First, that I was never alone, not once. Two, I discovered my vulnerability and three, I realized because of my difficult past, I had unwittingly become an enabler by nature. That wasn’t good. Nor was the sorrow of acknowledging I had unintentionally hurt the ones I hold closest in my heart either. I thought my heart was going to stop when I realized this.

I found that we often hurt people without knowing it. I realize that holding on too tightly can result in explosive division with loved ones. I’ve realized that the only One I can trust completely with my life is the One who knows me intimately. His name is Jesus.

I can recall accounts in my life that confirm without question the reality and love and grace of my Father in heaven. I find myself feeling my heart reach an entirely new level of love and compassion and so much more that I’d lost sight of.

I’m opening my life to you about this in the genuine hope that someone reading it will realize that, even in the valleys, God loves us. He will allow bad things to happen, but does he cause them. And he always goes through them with us. I’m sure each of us has been told at some point that we learn the biggest lessons through the toughest times. Speaking frankly, it’s true. It’s easy to believe that Jesus walks with me in the good times. What I’ve discovered is that our worst experiences produce the the best and most powerful blessings.

How will all this end? I have no idea. What I do know is that I’m not alone, even during those times when it seems that I am. I want you to understand that I’m human, too. I don’t just talk about stuff. I’ve experienced it. You’re not alone, ever.

It is my prayer that this helps someone who is going through a struggle, or even a crisis, in your life. You might feel like asking what’s the point? You might want to simply quit, give up. You may ask how anything good can come from your current mess? I’m telling you, it can! Don’t ever give up. Talk to Jesus. He really is our best friend. And I can tell you from my own experience that God will bring you through this, lead you into the path of a true friend to help you, in the right time. A friend who will be there to help guide you along life’s way, even if it means crawling with you until you’re able to stand. God bless you. He loves you, and so do I.