As a young girl, I had no thought of what it was to become a grown up. I had no idea that the carefree days I lived would one day become distant memories. Some memories cherished some not so much. Still, they do not represent part of my life that I can change, nor could I change it back then. My youth, the early years, are full of awesome memories. Spending time with aunts and uncles who dearly loved me are priceless memories. However, those memories are peppered with dark memories of abuse, mostly in my own home. I found it in my heart to forgive those who were abusive to my siblings and I, in time. It didn’t happen overnight, but I did choose to set myself free by doing so. And so, the first chapter of my life passed on to the next.
As I grew into a teenager, life was complicated. I’m sure you can relate to that. I wasn’t quite a woman, but I wasn’t a little girl any longer. I longed for closeness to my own mother that never came. I had such a strong desire to please her. Sadly, it wasn’t to be, even to her death. However, there was a very special bond with my father. We were close in our own way. Maybe he favored me because he knew the struggle I had with that maternal love I was lacking. Whatever it was, I have always cherished our relationship.
Late in my teens, I was out with friends and at the age of 17, I was raped by a man I had just met. I kept that secret long into my adult life. I had blamed myself, hated the man, and knew who he was. Already lacking self-esteem, I was devastated. But that wasn’t the end of the story. My first true love ended abruptly at my choosing for reasons I won’t disclose, but I ultimately married a man I couldn’t stand to look at. Why? Fear mostly. I was afraid of this man who threatened to kill me if I left him. This led to many years of abuse. This nightmarish chapter of my life ended by my leaving, and as you can see, I’m still alive. Thus ends another chapter of my life.
It took me a number of years to fully recover from the cycle of abuse. A few more relationships that was abusive. I didn’t realize that’s what it was, considering it was emotional abuse. I was unaware there was such a thing as emotional abuse. Unfaithfulness in the relationships drove my self worth even lower. I wondered what was wrong with me. Was I even lovable? Was I a mistake even to God?
Being a Christian, I genuinely loved God but I still questioned if He was disappointed in the child he had brought into the world as me. Did he regret making me? It took a long time for me to grasp the concept that God doesn’t make mistakes and He loves me just the way I am. And there we have another chapter in my life.
As time has passed, I have found myself aging more quickly then I thought I would and wondering what was all this for? What was the purpose for the years of abuse, the years of feeling unworthy of being loved and believing me to be unlovable by the Creator, my Father, and our God? It is also through time that I’ve learned that God loves us just the way we are, no matter what we’ve been through or done. I have learned that God can take our mess and turn it into a blessing.
Having gone through abuse, I understand what it is to be in that situation and I have a heart filled with a desire to help abuse victims. I have a heart filled with desire to share truth, to share God’s love, and to be all that He wants me to be. That chapter of my life isn’t over. In truth, it’s only just begun, and I’m very thankful for it.
Our lives are books. Each page is up to us to fill. We can fill it with negative thinking, bad attitudes and hateful hearts or we can choose to turn things around to glorify our Lord. We must remember that we’re not the first ones to experience the pains and hardships we go through. Jesus experienced all of them, and He lived a sinless life. No, we can’t be perfect this side of heaven, but we can strive to be the best that we’re capable of being. Every day we live is a page in the chapters of our lives. Choose wisely how you write each page, each chapter. We will answer for how we live one day. We’ll face the consequences of the choices we make for all eternity. Choose how you write the chapters of your life wisely.
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