When I was a child there was a lot of abuse that went on behind closed doors. I even had a relative assault me sexually. I tried to tell my mother but she didn’t believe me. She told me that my sister had said the same thing and to go play. What kind of mother does that? Mine did! Times were different when I was a child. Families had secrets that were not talked about and justice was unheard of. I didn’t have much of a relationship with my mom until I was an adult in my mid thirties. It was strained at best. I didn’t realize it back then, but I wanted nothing more then to earn my mother’s love. All I wanted was for her to approve of something, anything that I accomplished but it never happened.
My childhood wasn’t all bad. I had aunts and uncles who loved me. I loved going to their houses. My favorite place was my Aunt Vada’s house. She was awesome, a 2nd mom to both my sister and me. I loved spending summers with her and any other chance I could to go to her home. Uncle Dallas, Vada’s husband, was a quiet man that was like a 2nd father to me. Together they taught my sister and me that life can be good. I sincerely believe it has been Aunt Vada who helped me become the woman I am now. To be fair and completely honest, I loved all my aunts. There were 3 of them, and I also loved my Uncle David. Through him, I learned about the ways of a Christian home life. It wasn’t perfect. None of them were but I loved them all very much. In the respect of moral values they all taught me a lot.
As I became a young woman I found myself in a violent marriage to the father of my children. It was a very long 11 years before I left and never went back. But my mistakes were not over yet. I married 3 more times, all bad choices, and finally realized that I’m much happier being single. I’m not saying I’ll never consider marriage again but for now it’s off the table.
I have felt deep shame for having been married 4 times. I still struggle to this day about telling anyone about it. I suppose that’s why I’m opening up about it now. It’s not something I can hide. It’s not something I should ever feel I need to hide. After all, God knows all things about us and always has. I am finding that God’s forgiveness and grace are sufficient. It doesn’t matter what other people think when I know I am forgiven by the One that matters.
Life is all about trial and errors. Yes, we all make mistakes, and we’re all different in how we manage to succeed in doing so. The good news is that we grow, we learn and we gain knowledge on what not to do later. I knew all 4 times that I was getting married that something wasn’t right. I chocked it up to pre-wedding jitters. The only one I married that I honestly didn’t want to marry was my 1st husband. I did so out of fear and that is an entire book in itself.
We all need to understand that we’re never going to be perfect this side of heaven. We all make mistakes and they’re all different. It doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us human. No one’s mistakes in life are better or worse then the next person’s. And we all have the choice to make things right. We also have the right to go to our Father in heaven and ask for forgiveness. God is faithful to forgive His children and remember our sins no more.
The next step is to move on with our lives. It’s never too late to take the next step and follow our dreams. Who do you think gave you those dreams to begin with? They are no more an accident then you are by being here in this world. Remember, God doesn’t make mistakes; therefore, you are not a mistake.
I will tell you that it’s not always wise to share your dreams and desires with people because many won’t understand and may actually think you’ve lost a few marbles. Leave it between you and God until He reveals what His plan for your life is. In doing so, people you know will be amazed at what God can do and it may be exactly what brings them to know God for themselves.
All in all, what I’m trying to say is that you should never, ever be ashamed of who you truly are. You are unique because God made you that way. It’s not wrong to admire the gifts God has given to another person but don’t mimic them. That is not your calling, it is theirs. You have gifts and talents that will reach a lot of people if you choose to use them. So whatever you want to be, be that. Stand tall with your head up and don’t let anyone dull your shine. You were born to be exactly who you are. Use your gifts and see how God will use them. You’re a blessing waiting to shine so be the best you can be. Let the light inside of you shine bright. You’ll be amazed what God can do with 1 person; you!
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