As some of you know, I've gone through a few relationships in my time, and I know what it feels like to be done wrong. However, of ALL the forms of abuse I've gone through, the longest lasting was the emotional abuse. The scars run deep, and the more time that passes, and/or with each new relationship where abuse has existed, our self-worth becomes lower and lower.
Personally, I've only been in one relationship that involved any form of physical violence. That was enough for me. However, the emotional abuse continued, one after the other until I simply had Enough. When you reach bottom, there is only one way to go, and that is up. And that is where I am today. I'm still climbing, but I'm definitely on my way up.
Recently, a lady I'm close to shared about a situation she was dealing with. She was deeply hurt because the man she dearly loves has, once again, put the blame on her for His actions. I listened, I counseled my friend, gave her advice on things she needs to do to be able to stand on her own if need be.
What breaks my heart is when I speak to someone and, later, I hear her put the blame back on herself. Seriously, that's what I used to do. After all, it just had to be my fault, right? I mean, I've gone through so much in my life that I must be to blame, right? WRONG!!!
I'm telling you, ladies, that it's OK to own up to Our mistakes, but STOP taking the blame for the man who makes it appear that You disrespected Him. Your initial instincts were correct. You did NOT cause his words, or his actions, HE did. You do NOT have a damn thing wrong with you that's so bad that Everything becomes Your fault. You are NOT to sensitive, you Are caring. You ARE loving. You ARE a good woman. You ARE a good mother. You ARE a good wife/mate to your man. YOUR opinion DOES matter. Your feelings DO matter, and any man who doesn't realize this isn't worth your time. Sure, he may have been badly treated by someone in the past, but if he realizes what he has in the woman that YOU are, then he will wake up and be damn thankful he has YOU. When HIS friends realize what HE has, and wish They had that, you're doing pretty darn good, lady. Simple as that.
Some of you have stated that, if your relationship fails, you're "done with men". Don't feel bad. I said the same thing. And I meant it when I said it, too. However, realistically, although I'm totally NOT interested in a relationship now doesn't mean I'll never be in the future. What matters the most is that we take time to heal. Take time to find the YOU that you once were, or maybe even, the YOU that you were never allowed to be.
As I write this, I am in that stage of my life once again. My life has been peppered with relationships that ended because he cheated on me. Does that mean I think ALL men are cheaters or abusers? Absolutely Not! There are several upstanding, very good men I know who have proven to me that there are good one's out there. (and not all of them are married, I'm just not ready for a relationship so I steer clear of that aspect of life). Do I have male friends? Yes, I sure do. Do some of us hang out? Absolutely, with the agreed on stipulation that we're friends Only. If the man can't accept your boundaries, dump him. That's not a true friend.
I've heard crap that's come out of mens mouths, such as: "No men and women can be just friends" or "men look, it's what we do". Really? Seriously? Did I honest to God just hear that correctly? Let me set that record straight real quick, based on the GOOD men I DO know Personally: Yes, men do look at women they think are pretty. NO they do NOT do this if they genuinely LOVE you. NO, they do NOT take photos of other women when they are serious about the relationship he's in with YOU. And he damn sure don't take out on you (if he loves you as he says) the things that were done to him in the past. I know past relationships do effect some aspects of new ones. This happens less when time is allowed for healing between them, but even if you both are in the relationship after being hurt, there is still no reason to disrespect your current lady for the things an ex has done.
And another thing I want to clear up is this: It's true that men like to chill out after a hard day at work. I get that, and they do deserve that (so do women, but that rarely happens if she has a family). Men don't like to be disrespected, however, neither do women, and you do NOT have to put up with it. If your man disrespects you, tell him. You most definitely Should. You have a right to stand up for yourself. And if he don't like it, then he never should have disrespected you in the first place. And I'll give you some examples of being disrespected:
1. He gawks at or comments on another woman in front of you.
2. He takes pictures of other women, whether you're present or not.
3. He makes YOU give up all YOUR friends, or you find that you're doing so because you don't want to hurt his feelings.
4. He's jealous: of other men, (including HIS friends), your friends, your family or even your children.
5. He withholds things from you: Money, affection, gifts, etc. while at the same time expects you to buy him anything he even drops a "hint" that he wants.
6. He wants to be in control of the finances and tell you what you and your children are allowed to have or buy.
7. Your feelings don't matter but his are very important.
8. If you want to talk about what's bothering you, he either shows little or no interest, OR he may tell you you're being "childish" or "you're just trying to start an argument". You get the feeling that Your feelings don't matter, like he wants to just kiss and make up (and when you don't feel the same, he will treat you like he wants YOU to beg for forgiveness for something HE did).
9. YOUR feelings never seem to be worth a damn word because HE is always right, no matter if he actually is or not. And actually "listen" to you? It's not going to happen.
10. In many relationships, it's not always what IS said. It can also be what's NOT said that hurts.
I could go on and on here but I think you get the idea. (And if you would like to know of an awesome book I have read, just ask. The author is phenomenal.)
Dear, precious ladies, what I've just told you is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. You heard me right. It is abuse. I know it don't leave physical scars, and it's way harder to prove then physical or sexual abuse is, but it's Still abuse. And I want you to remember something: YOUR CHILDREN ARE LISTENING. They are way more perceptive then we give them credit for.
I'll give you an example from my Own life: My son told me that he came in once when he was just a boy and saw me crying. I asked him to go play but he hid around the corner because he didn't like it, seeing his mommy cry. He heard what I was upset about and vowed to never do that to a "girl" when he grew up because he realized how hurt I was. (and he's never done it) My point is, most children will grow up and BE who they see their parent's being. Some grow up to abuse, others grow up to be the victim. Tell me something, do you want your child/children to grow up to be EITHER of these? Sadly, that's how many of today's children have grown up. There is no societal class that's any different then another when it comes to abuse. Anyone who is abused still hurts.
I'm telling you this because I genuinely care about you. In fact, my heart just aches when I know someone I care about is being abused, no matter what form it's in. But the only one who can change it, is YOU. No matter what I tell you, no matter how much I'm there for you, the choice is still YOURS to make. Think about this. Save it, re-read it now and then to remind yourself that there is someone special inside of you that DESERVES to be treated like an equal, because you Are! I love you, God loves you. Sending prayers and blessings to all of you.
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