It's been a very long, and even more eventful, year for me. Strife was thriving in my so-called home early on in the year, and I had no idea how to stop it. I was walking on egg shells at every turn, constantly having to defend my thoughts, words and actions. I became severely depressed, to the point I just wanted this life to end. I wanted to go Home. No, I wasn't suicidal, but I was weary. I was so damn tired of life that I dreaded each new days arrival.
Several months before, in the summer of 2013, my now ex-husband threatened to leave me. I was devastated. I took our marriage commitment seriously and intended to spend the rest of my life with him. A year into the marriage, 2 years into the relationship, my husband was quitting. I didn't understand why.
In the process, I became afraid, very afraid. I didn't want to lose my husband. At the same time, I didn't want to live in the manner we were. Every single time I disagreed with something he said, my husband would threaten to leave. Each time I started trusting, I was shot down for having done so. Half way into this year, I filed for divorce, not him, me. I refuse to live in a house where there was no peace. I also discovered my husband had lied. He had led me to believe he was a Christian, knowing that meant a lot to me. He went so far as to take me to the church he once attended in the town he grew up in. We were warmly received there which I misinterpreted as the few people we spoke to having known him. I was wrong.
I was hurt, deeply hurt. And before all was said and done, I was angry. I filed for divorce in July. At that time, we divided our property and arranged to go our separate ways. It was a somewhat peaceful arrangement but tensions were very high, all at the same. I needed a break so I left town for a few days so I could clear my head. I returned a couple of days later after having received a report that my husband had had a massive heart attack. I considered putting the marriage on hold. It was due to things I discovered during this time that caused me to finalize it. Still, I felt morally obligated to make sure my ex was transported to a care facility near his family, which is what I did.
During all of this, I was arranging to sell my house. It was to remain in our family since it had been a part of it for so many years. Those plans are temporarily on delay. As if that wasn't enough, I discovered my best friend of over 30 years is deathly ill.
All in all, I had far to much on my plate to deal with and the stress of it all broke me. I snapped at people I love, fell into a depression that made the previous episode seem like nothing. I didn't care about much of anything. It took me a couple of months to get myself somewhat back together, but to this day I am still battling the depression.
Depression is a condition I've battled most of my life. According to medical personnel, something misfires in my brain and I do need medication for this condition. Some people, most people, don't realize this is why I have such a passion for people with invisible illnesses. It is not my only passion. As a survivor of domestic abuse, it is a goal I have to help as many people as I can to find freedom from abuse.
After a lot of consideration, I decided to do something more with my life. I could go back into the field of work I've been in most of my adult life, but it's just not where my heart is. My heart is with helping people. I have opted to go to college for Psychology and Ministry. It's my hearts passion, and I have peace about this decision. I had not had peace about any other college options I looked at. In fact, I've not had peace about a lot of things in my life until I made this decision.
This year, 2014, has been hard on a lot of people. To be honest, I still don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. But I know it's there, and I will find it, if I keep putting one foot in front of the other. My entire life has been one of survival. There have been times I've had to be a warrior, but it was always with the goal of surviving. Now, I'm a warrior but not simply to survive. I choose to thrive.
We've all heard the saying "life's to short". Well, that statement is true. I'm aging, I know I am. I accept it and I wear the battle scars with honor. It's not because I "have" to. It's because I "choose" to. I've survived domestic abuse on more then one occasion. Physical abuse and sexual abuse were horrifying, but the emotional abuse left scars unseen by human eyes.
I raised my children as a single mom, and I did so knowing each one of them are gifts from God. I didn't, and still don't, take that responsibility lightly. I've been a firm believer that we lead by example. I choose to keep moving forward, taking steps, even now, at my age, to prove to my children it's never to late to turn your life around. Yes, battling depression is something I must continue to deal with for the rest of my life. For some people, it is a passing thing. In my case, it's not, and I would be a fool not to admit it. Still, it doesn't justify sitting back and letting the depression control me. It is my responsibility to own up to it, speak out about depression and it's effects, and be an example for others who battle each day just to get out of bed. As a survivor of multiple forms of abuse, I also strive to be true to who I really am. By the grace of God, I'm doing that.
We should never fear admitting any physical or mental condition we face on a daily basis. For me, I deal with both. But I refuse to stop living because of them. I encourage each of you to take responsibility of your own lives. Own your flaws, acknowledge they are real, but don't let them be what controls you. There are many, many days I don't even want to get out of bed. The thought that daylight is coming and I've not even slept is a constant reminder of how hard the battle can be just to keep going. But I refuse to be defeated. I don't always get out of bed and face the day. Some days, I stay in bed and let the day pass by. But I choose not to feel guilty for it, either. I take care of what needs taken care of and when I don't feel like doing anything, I don't. It's that simple.
I am telling you this because I believe someone out there needs to know they're not alone. I've been knocked down so many times in life it would be easy to just quit. I'm sure you know that feeling. But I encourage you to get back up and keep fighting to live. No one can do that for you, but I am someone who will let you know, you're not alone. There are others like us who face each day, sometimes as a challenge. Remember this: You are still here for a reason. You'll never find that reason, nor will you grow in life at all, if you choose to stay where you are.
I love you. God loves you. I pray this fast approaching year is better for you. You are in my prayers.
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