A love gone wrong ripped my heart out earlier in the year. It was a very traumatic time for me. A part of me wanted to run away from life, a big part. I nearly sold my house, a home that's been in my family for over a century. I'm thankful to say I'm still “home”. Betrayal of one's heart cuts deep. I held it together, so to speak, by the grace of God. It wasn't my first time for this rodeo. I've had my heart broken so many times it's unreal. Sadly, I remember each one and it's made me leery of ever trusting another man in the respect of being in a relationship. I mean, seriously? Why is it so hard to stay faithful to someone you claim to love? I don't understand that. I never will.
Add to all this the fact that I'm one of the millions who battle depression and life can be tough. I know there are people out there who say we should “shake it off” and “get out in the world” or “sunlight is what you need. Get out in the sun”. It's not that easy for me, and it's not that easy for most people who battle depression. You see, there actually is a condition where a chemical imbalance in the brain exists. I am one of those who has this condition. It's not one of those temporary depressions that happen because of having a baby or losing someone. For me, and many like me, it's a year round thing and it requires medication to get our balance back.
Using my own life, I'll give you an example of how “real” depression is for so many of us. Not so long ago, I lived in Florida. My life partner during that time was Mr. All Natural. He didn't like doctors and thought everything could be “fixed” with herbs or diet. I tried things his way. I didn't take any medications for quite sometime. After a while, I recognized in myself that I was falling into depression. We went to the store where supplements were sold and purchased things that were supposed to help. It didn't work, at all. Yes, I tried them for an extended period of time before I finally just stopped the madness.
I attempted to go it on my own for a bit, no herbal supplements of any kind, and I ate only healthy food. Then, one day as I drove to work I found myself thinking, “Wow, I could either drive right over this over-pass or steer into the path of the semi on the other side of me and it would look like an accident. No one would ever know I ended my life on purpose”.
Yes, I actually had this happen, and when I did, I shook myself out of it and drove to work. Upon arriving there, I looked up the name of a doctor that was close to my home and made an appointment for that same day. I hadn't been to a doctor since I had left Indiana. But the doctor I saw that day was glad I came to see her. She gave me a medication I had used in the past and within a short time, I was back to being the person I normally am when I'm in balance.
I am facing a holiday season that does mean something to me. I know that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, not the overrated, commercialized version that so many have turned it into. I have a tree, lights, ornaments, everything I need to decorate for Christmas. But I've not done any of it. Why? I really don't know considering I've always been the person everyone knew to be so festive that I made them crazy. I mean, I used to put bells on my sneakers for the entire season, and it drove my family insane. My house was completely decorated for the season. And as I write this, I don't have a single decoration put up, and I don't care. I'm not “me”. I find that a bit scary, to be honest.
This is a tough year for a lot of people. The job market is so low it's unbelievable. No matter what the media says, the truth is, people are in serious trouble financially. I'm one of those people. I know with every ounce of my being that I wouldn't be making it if it wasn't for the grace of God helping me. I have no clue where the next meal is coming from let alone how I'm going to pay the bills. If I was alone, I really wouldn't care about the lack of food. It's not like I need it. I could stand to lose some weight. But I do desire to keep warm, to have water in my home, to be able to take care of my family that lives with me.
As crazy as it seems, I know I'm on the right path in life. I have absolutely no idea where it's leading, but I know I'm moving forward one step at a time and completely by blind faith. I tend to isolate myself and I know that's not good. That is the exact reason I have chosen to take classes starting in January, on campus rather then online. I know I need the interaction. For me, this is a huge step considering I don't even want to get out of bed most days.
I reach out to people for a reason. I've been that person who felt like no one understood what I was going through. I know how it feels to be abused, to have my heart crushed, to feel the pain of losing loved ones. I want you, my readers, to know you're not alone. I want you to know that you will stand again. And, yes, I am telling you even though I'm dealing with depression myself. I've been down and depressed many times. These valley's in life can be pretty tough. But we must keep putting one foot in front of the other and hold onto what faith we have that we're going to make it to the other side.
Faith is what get's me through. My faith in a God who never leaves me nor forsakes me. I've been a born again Christian for a long time. I'm here to tell you, that it don't mean life's going to magically be easy the rest of our time here on Earth. If anything, it means we're going to be judged more, persecuted for our faith, even slandered. I've experienced all the above. It's because of what I've gone through in life, and lived to tell about it, that I choose to speak out and tell you, you're not alone.
I would get down on my hands and knees and crawl with you if that's what it took to show you how loved you really are. And I want you to understand this: I love you through Christ. What that means is I allow Jesus to flow through me, and love you through me. There is absolutely no way that I could do all this without His help. I'm serious. Many people I've met turn bitter, hateful and down right mean after going through abuse and betrayal. However, it's a choice, not a consequence. We choose our actions and attitudes. They don't just happen. I can say that because I've been there.
What I want you to understand is this: Depression is not something that we choose, but not getting help when we need it is. Being abused is not a choice we would have made for ourselves, but it happens. How we respond to it is our choice. Either we sit back and let it continue, or we take that very bold step and say enough. We must realize that and stand up for ourselves or no one else will. And we need to consider the fact that our children, if we have them, are always watching. They learn what they live in. Do you want your son's and daughters to grow up to either be abusers or be the one being abused? I'm sure you don't, so take a stand. Not just for yourself, but for the future you want your children to have. And for children who are being abused, someone needs to be there for them. Someone has to prove to them that they matter, and we hear them, and we are listening. You may be the only person in that child's life that shows them the love they so desperately need.
I had no idea this would be so long, but I had something to say, and I chose to do so. Bottom line, if you need help, get it. Don't hold back thinking it will magically get better. Until you face reality, nothing is going to change. You have a choice to make. I pray you make the right one. And as for me, I'm getting that help I'm telling you about. I don't suggest anything unless I can back it up by my own actions in my life. I love you. God loves you. It's time to Stand!
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