In recent months, life has had a grand time kicking my butt all over the place. I discovered things, both about myself and about some of the people I deeply love, that turned my life completely around.
Addressing myself first, I must admit that it's difficult to believe I was blind to life, and the reality of what I was "viewing" but not really "seeing". On 3 different occasions I had to fight to keep my house. I had financed it just 2 years before. However, after fighting with everything in me, I ,ultimately, chose to let it go. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
To be honest, when I closed that email telling me that foreclosure was proceeding, I realized in that very moment that I've been beyond exhausted from fighting, for everything in my life. I'm over it. No, that doesn't mean I'm just giving up. What it means is: I'm letting go of what's hurting me, and going in the direction that God is taking me. I was heading in a wrong direction, and doing so at an accelerated speed.
In the midst of fighting to save my house, I was having very serious panic attacks. My doctor actually put me on a suicide watch list (I'm not suicidal) because of the event that occurred. A verbal lashing, like no other I've ever experienced in my entire life, broke me. I was going through the motions of living for weeks. I was just lost, shocked, devastated. Thank God for giving me such an amazing man in my life who's been there for me through it all. He's been my rock when I needed him most, and I'll be eternally thankful to him for that. My sister kept me from living on the streets. She's a blessing in my life in so many ways.
The person who hurt me so deeply (who shall remain nameless) had been on a pedestal for as many years as I've known her. It is said (in the Bible) that the tongue is as sharp as a two-edged sword. I'm absolutely, unequivocally positive, this statement is true. I've been hurt deeply in the past, but this time felt like I had not only been stabbed in the heart, it felt like having the knife stabbed in, twisted, and ripped up my body. It was an experience that words cannot describe.
Along with all this, I was dealing with the addictions of loved ones around me. I actually expressed to one of my family members that I needed to change directions, get completely away from where I was, start over, and live life for myself for a change. To me, letting go of what's been keeping me down and letting God take me where He wants me has given me more peace than I knew was possible. I've been so calm that I've been repeatedly asked if I'm OK. I must admit there are days when I feel free, wonderful, happy. And there are days when I just want to throw my hands up and quit. Thank God for the real friends in my life who won't let me do that. No, I'm not "OK". Not yet. What's beyond amazing is that I'm standing.
When that hate-filled verbal attack happened last Spring, I was knocked flat on my butt, mentally. My boyfriend took his day and devoted it to helping me. He listened. He held me when I needed it. He loved me through it. I loved this man before, but that day, he proved his love for me beyond words. I know I'm blessed to be his lady. I'm very thankful he didn't give up on me long ago. I was a mental mess. I was seeing things I never even imagined possible happening to me. (Denial is an evil trick of Satan) In this process, one of the many parties involved went so far as to plant paraphernalia throughout my house. (I called the police) It's by the grace of God that I found out about it. I can't imagine who in their right mind would ever go so far, to hate so much, as to do something like this to family. However, I've learned the hard way that this world is a mess. Sadly, this mess came knocking on my door. I have the enabler personality, also known as: "peace maker", "wearing one's heart on their sleeve", "gullible", "naive", etc.
I have always been the "peacemaker" in my family, since I was a child old enough to do so. I want you to know exactly what turned my life around, for the good. First, it was the verbal attack. But there was much more to it, as I stated above. My life had been spinning out of control for a long time, right before my eyes, but I didn't see it. Maybe I should say, I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing, or what I was piecing together in this tornadic time in my life.
Needless to say, when I was gut punched (verbally) I fell hard. The wind was knocked out of my sails, but letting go of the familiar has been the best thing I've ever done, for myself. I stress that point (for myself) because another scripture in the Bible reminds us to take care of ourselves, because if we don't, we're not truly capable of helping others. Through the love and support of my boyfriend, other family members, and friends, I'm standing again.
When life flipped on me, I was not only lifted up by our loving God, He carried me. I know I'm walking again, but I'm still being supported (a lot) by His strong arms. And as I limp along, I realize what a blessing it is to know we can go directly to our Father, anytime, anywhere, any place? How awesome is that?
I have to let you know that this battle is still raging. Always remember, the hardest hits satan throws is through the one's we love the most. I've had more stumbling blocks thrown at me over the past year then I've ever experienced at one time, and I'm genuinely surprised I'm alive. It's purely by the grace of God that I am. Anxiety attacks had gotten so bad that I couldn't tell if I was actually going through an attack or I was having a heart attack. Yes, there's fear, but there's way more faith and excitement. I actually believe that the battle that's been raging is a direct result of my being anywhere that's not where God is guiding me.
Needless to say, I took the leap. I'm no longer in a complete free-fall like I was when I jumped off the proverbial cliff. In truth, life seems to be more like gliding on the wings of the angels towards where I'm supposed to be. Now, in the midst of the battle that's still raging around me, I'm at peace. I'm finding "me" again. I've actually missed myself. Sound crazy? Maybe so, but if you've ever experienced the loss of yourself in life, I know you understand.
All in all, yes, I've been in a full-on raging storm, and it continues around me. Those are the key words here: around me!Yet another stumbling block was thrown at me earlier today, before writing this post, that ripped at my heart. I can admit, I stumbled. I am just amazed by how insane life has been. The good thing is that I didn't fall completely down this time because of those strong arms that are still there supporting me as I walk in with Him.
I've been learning through all of this trauma that getting blind sided in life is par for the course. We have to choose wisely. What will your choice regarding Your issue be, when compared to the light of eternity? Simply put, if God isn't first in your life, you're chasing the wind. Only when you stop, take pause, and listen for that still small voice will you find right answers and walk in peace.
Even in the midst of our storms, we can have that peace that passes all understanding. I've experienced it before, but definitely not on this level. All I can say is thank you, Jesus, for loving me, and not giving up on me.
I love you all, and so does God. My prayers are with you, always. God bless you. I do. <3
Amen
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